When memories come alive

It's late and I should probably be asleep, but I can't. As of late, I find my mind wondering to various things, however it usually settles on my brothers. I don't talk about them often, however, their death still affects me -- even 20 years later. As a social worker who aspires to practice in the field of mental health, I have glaring reminders that I should probably talk to someone about my thoughts. However, there's a part of me that wants to keep thoughts because that's really all that I have of them.

I find myself wondering what it life would have been like had they not died 8 months apart when I was 7. My thoughts wander to places that allow me to imagine how it would've felt to have had an older brother who wasn't stricken with cerebral palsy. Or even what it would've been like to have had a younger brother who lived much longer than just a day. Would they have protected me? Would they have harrassed me and teased me for being the only girl?? At the same time, I think about how my life would've been had my older brother lived longer than the 17 years he was alotted...I was 7, he was 17...we were 10 years apart...both born on the 31st of our respective birth months. I often think had he lived, I would not have hesistated to have taken care of him when my parents no longer could. But, that's not my reality.

I sometimes think about how my oldest and youngest brother died and left me (the middle one) here -- almost as if I'm the last one standing. I often think about that fact and motivate myself because it's almost as if I've got to accomplish things for myself but also in memory of my brothers. But, honestly, how healthy is that???

I don't know...as with most of my posts, this is another random stream of thought. Either way, for those who may read my blog on occassion, please don't become alarmed. I'm not suicidal (lol), just highly introspective...so please forgive me for hosting my own therapy session via my personal blog :)

Random blog thoughts for the hell of it...

1) Glad to be out of school and done with my internship (for a week, lol). I love grad school but it's definitely been a trying time -- especially when I had to quit my job. Nonetheless, I'm thinking long term and my last job DEFINITELY was not a long term position!! So, for now I'll just concentrate on my last 2 semesters and continue to think about/plan my graduation party...and whether it'll be cool to have a couple adult beverages at said party with my grandmother in attendance, lol.

2) Speaking of grad school...when it's over, I'd really like to start working and eventually obtain my license. HOWEVER, I'd also really like to pursue a PhD in Social Work so that I can teach as well as conduct research -- possibly in the area of community mental health and the prison system. Clark Atlanta has a wonderful program and I would love to go, but I'm still kinda of scared about severing the apron strings and moving to Atlanta (if I get accepted)... Yes, I'm 28...however, I'm somewhat apprehensive about leaving Alabama!! Seriously, I can think of a million reasons why I wouldn't want to move out of AL, but I bet I come up with at least 2 million reasons why I should be on the first thing smoking out of here...so, I digress...

3) My class reunion is in 2 weeks and I'm sooo excited!! I haven't bought my ticket yet due to financial constraints, but nonetheless I will be there!! Still haven't figured out what I'm gonna wear to the banquet, let me tell you that's not deterring me at all. Many of my classmates are on Facebook, however, I'd like to see them in person.

4) Last random thought of the day...you ever felt like you wanted to do something to save the world, but just didn't quite know where to start?? That's how I feel on a constant basis...maybe my time off will allow me to hone my thoughts.

I remember when...

My dad has always been a great influence in many aspects of my life. For instance, my dad has always been a great fan of music and he, in turn, made me one as well. On one particular night, I remember, as a young girl waiting up for him as I normally did to get off of his 2nd shift job at the local General Motors plant in Decatur, AL. I greeted him with a huge smile as he did me...we went through our normal father/daughter exchange in which both of us asked the other how their respective day went. However, on this particular night, I distinctly recall my dad telling me how he picked up a new cassette tape (lol)... I became excited and asked who it was. The tape that he presented to me left an indeliable mark on me -- it was Michael Jackson's "Bad" LP. I remember my dad asking me if I knew who he was and I said, "of course!!" After all, I was a huge fan of MTV and he was constantly plastered on that channel despite the darker hue of his skin. I remember Daddy putting the tape into the tape player in my room and listening to the first few notes of the intro to the title track of the "Bad" album. I remember being instantly hooked...I looked at my dad and he looked at me. We bobbed our heads and listened to a few more of the tracks. Prior to that shared moment, I remember Michael as being the guy who walked on the squares that lit up in the "Billie Jean" video. Prior to that moment, I remember everyone being transfixed in my household while we watch the Motown 25th Anniversary special where Michael introduced the infamous "moonwalk". I also remember being slightly scared at watching the "Thriller" video or wondering if I was ever gonna get into a fight in the street like he did in the "Beat It" video. But, on the night that my dad brought the "Bad" tape into my room, I remember becoming a lifelong fan....I didn't miss a tape/cd of his...everything from "Dangerous", to "HIStory" (which I rushed from freshman band camp to get and spent my LAST $25 on it because it was a double disc and those weren't popular during that time...nonetheless a good investment in my opinion), and "Invincible" ("Butterflies" was my isht during college). Either way, regardless of the memory or the album/new music that he came up with, nothing besides that time where I became a bonified MJ fan will compare to the time when I heard that he died. I thought it was a terrible rumor and even thought it was a hoax. But, I have now accepted that he's no longer here...so now, I will just remember him...

Why I Love/Hate HBCUs

As everyone knows by now, I attend Alabama A&M. By growing up in North Alabama, I always saw the frequent headlines about A&M and its problems that often ranged from getting a new president or uncovering that yet another person had been stealing from the University. As the time approached for me to make a decision about where I wanted to go to college, I knew that A&M was not an option...not so much because I didn't want to go to a "Historically Black" institution, but because I didn't want to attend school so close to home...(actually, I wanted to follow Patrice to Alabama State University, but that's a whole 'nother story). Either way, I ended up at UAB and I did my five years (lol) and definitely had my fun while there. However, I still had a longing to attend an HBCU, so when it came time to prepare to receive a Master's degree, I gave A&M another look.

While there, I have had the wonderful experience of learning for acclaimed academians and practitioners. I actually feel as my professors are all the very interested in my well-being as well as my future -- and that's something that I didn't experience while at UAB. However, with all of these positives of attending an HBCU, there is an EXTREME downside to it....THEIR ADMINISTRATIVE DEPARTMENTS SUCK!!!!

OMG! Right about now, if I could ride up to Normal, Alabama and go on the Hill I might just strangle someone at the business office!! I've been waiting on my refund from my financial aid for TWO WEEKS and although I call and am consistently polite to everyone with whom I speak, they still manage to give me the run-around!!! Ugh! I honestly don't understand it! How is that I never EVER encountered these problems in all of my years at UAB. Yet, without fail, my financial aid refund disbursement process is always like pulling teeth!!! It might not be such a big deal, but I'm not working and that financial aid is my ONLY source of money at this time...I try not to be a whiner, but GEEZ!!

Seriously, no one understands how I cannot wait until May 2010!

A New Start...a quick blog

Today is my last day at work. I'm leaving so that I can be begin my internship at a local mental hospital. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about everything, honestly. On one hand, I'm sad to leave the people as well as the freedom to go and do almost anything I pleased (just as long as my work was completed). But, at the same time, I'm happy (well maybe elated) to not only move to the next level in my career/education, but I'll get to leave the ignorance that often permeates the four walls of this building which often makes it hard to function. (sidebar: 2 of co-workers/girlfriends and I often refer to our job as Sesame Street)...

Dedicated to Tericka...where's my access?!?!

So, clearly I'm not one of the popular bloggers in cyberspace. However, I do know that I have a few faithful readers...one of them being, Tericka. However, when I attempt to read her blog, it's blocked. THEN, I saw where she posted a comment on one of my recent blog entries that stated I had access to her blog but when I clicked on her blog, there was no access granted...AGAIN

So, as I fall to ground in despair with my hand on my forehead and wonder to myself, "alas, what shall I do?", I'll hope that this is a screaming notice to Tericka that I don't have access to her blog. "Where art thou blog", I ask thee in my best medieval English voice.....sigh

Mixed Feelings About a Mixture of Things

1) School's almost out for the semester and I am glad. However, I'd be lying if I weren't truthful in saying that I haven't been the best student. I'd like to finish with a strong finish; however, I'm so far behind that I don't even know where I'd even begin that strong finish...sigh

2) Speaking of strong finishes, I'm supposed to begin an internship for my degree. I'm excited but also apprehensive because it will more than likely require me to quit my job. While things haven't been exactly smooth at my job, I still had job security and a decent but very small paycheck coming in every other week. While at the interview for my internship, I was offered a part-time position so I'll have some money coming in; but, I'm sure it won't be what I was getting. Either way, I'm hopeful and optimistic because God will provide...He always does ;-) Nonetheless, my job requires a 30 day notice and within those 30 days, one is required to make sure that all their files are "up to par"...please sigh with me once more...thanks

3) I should be jetting off to Hawaii in about 3 weeks. While I'm suuuuper excited, I'm apprehensive as well. As the maid of honor, I've been given the duty to make one of two speeches about my dear friend. I'm really excited about this, but I fear that I might get up there and start rambling...However, my biggest prayer that I don't ramble so much that I start to bring up her old boyfriends or another equally embarrassing subject! Lol! I realize that I need to focus my thoughts by writing my speech, but there's so much that I could say about her...just like with all my dear, true friends, I love them bunches :)

4) Within the same vein of my previous thought, my bestie is moving. I'm sad to see her and Miss R leave, but I know it's for the best. I know she'll do well; she always does. It's just a little bittersweet because rather than just merely stopping by to see her on my way back from school or from seeing my parents, I'll have to get a plane ticket and/or a rental car. However, I'm all about growth especially in the Spring...so it's her season and I must accept that and watch her grow

5) Lastly, I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog but Brandon and I parted ways. With this break-up, I feel very liberated. However, I also feel that I'm not careful, I could end up in a situation that I'm not ready for...more specifically, I been meeting lots of nice guys...some more enchanting than others, lol. Nonetheless, I know that I am what some would call "serial monogomist" (sp?)...I love to have a boyfriend. So it's almost natural for me to feel myself getting attached to people way too quickly; but I realize that is a habit that I MUST break. So, I've been dating different guys and it seems to be working well so far...But, I'd be lying if I didn't see myself getting attached. So rather than repeating my past, I often take self-imposed sabaticals from certain people. The only thing about that is that people don't always understand those sabaticals....I find myself wanting to tell those people," dude, no it doesn't have anything to do with you" or "we're not in a relationship, can you please let me breathe???"...geez! There's much talk about how women are so overly-emotionally and sensitive; however, some men fit in that same category...

Anyway, have a happy and blessed Monday all!!