When memories come alive

It's late and I should probably be asleep, but I can't. As of late, I find my mind wondering to various things, however it usually settles on my brothers. I don't talk about them often, however, their death still affects me -- even 20 years later. As a social worker who aspires to practice in the field of mental health, I have glaring reminders that I should probably talk to someone about my thoughts. However, there's a part of me that wants to keep thoughts because that's really all that I have of them.

I find myself wondering what it life would have been like had they not died 8 months apart when I was 7. My thoughts wander to places that allow me to imagine how it would've felt to have had an older brother who wasn't stricken with cerebral palsy. Or even what it would've been like to have had a younger brother who lived much longer than just a day. Would they have protected me? Would they have harrassed me and teased me for being the only girl?? At the same time, I think about how my life would've been had my older brother lived longer than the 17 years he was alotted...I was 7, he was 17...we were 10 years apart...both born on the 31st of our respective birth months. I often think had he lived, I would not have hesistated to have taken care of him when my parents no longer could. But, that's not my reality.

I sometimes think about how my oldest and youngest brother died and left me (the middle one) here -- almost as if I'm the last one standing. I often think about that fact and motivate myself because it's almost as if I've got to accomplish things for myself but also in memory of my brothers. But, honestly, how healthy is that???

I don't know...as with most of my posts, this is another random stream of thought. Either way, for those who may read my blog on occassion, please don't become alarmed. I'm not suicidal (lol), just highly introspective...so please forgive me for hosting my own therapy session via my personal blog :)

Random blog thoughts for the hell of it...

1) Glad to be out of school and done with my internship (for a week, lol). I love grad school but it's definitely been a trying time -- especially when I had to quit my job. Nonetheless, I'm thinking long term and my last job DEFINITELY was not a long term position!! So, for now I'll just concentrate on my last 2 semesters and continue to think about/plan my graduation party...and whether it'll be cool to have a couple adult beverages at said party with my grandmother in attendance, lol.

2) Speaking of grad school...when it's over, I'd really like to start working and eventually obtain my license. HOWEVER, I'd also really like to pursue a PhD in Social Work so that I can teach as well as conduct research -- possibly in the area of community mental health and the prison system. Clark Atlanta has a wonderful program and I would love to go, but I'm still kinda of scared about severing the apron strings and moving to Atlanta (if I get accepted)... Yes, I'm 28...however, I'm somewhat apprehensive about leaving Alabama!! Seriously, I can think of a million reasons why I wouldn't want to move out of AL, but I bet I come up with at least 2 million reasons why I should be on the first thing smoking out of here...so, I digress...

3) My class reunion is in 2 weeks and I'm sooo excited!! I haven't bought my ticket yet due to financial constraints, but nonetheless I will be there!! Still haven't figured out what I'm gonna wear to the banquet, let me tell you that's not deterring me at all. Many of my classmates are on Facebook, however, I'd like to see them in person.

4) Last random thought of the day...you ever felt like you wanted to do something to save the world, but just didn't quite know where to start?? That's how I feel on a constant basis...maybe my time off will allow me to hone my thoughts.